adios (2022)

i mean, can we?

even,

be friends?

i thought we could.

i thought i wanted to.

but now i’m not so sure.

and it’s not you.

it’s me.

friends.

it sounds nice.

a nice word.

in theory.

laughing. talking. hanging.

friends.

friends?

us?

i don’t know if that IS us.

it was.

but i don’t remember it.

my brain simply refuses to show me those images.

almost like they have been completely erased.

not simply suppressed.

it’s a weird feeling actually.

it sounds good. promising. possible.

but in reality,

it feels the complete opposite.

awkward. forced. weird.

weird it is.

“anything is possible.”

famous last words.

anything.

it almost feels like this is a chapter of a book that is now closed.

one that I am unsure on whether I can grab and open again.

to re-read and experience the wonders of that world.

because while there’s no pain right now. there’s also no joy.

nothing urging me to reach for the book.

to look through the index and find the last page.

to question and imagine what happens next.

to try to make that a reality.

friends.

repeat it.

and tell me if it also sounds weird when you say it to yourself.