the American dream

Like many people, I began my journey in this country with hope and a sparkle in my eye. As a young girl, I thought continuing my education and working in the land of all and opportunity would open many doors for my future. 

A future I dreamed of, yearned for. In a country that, in my naive mind, was willing to help me, by simply being part of my path. A country that was sold to me as the land of opportunity, of freedom, of a better life with the right work and effort, of equality. 

And so my journey began. 

I genuinely believe that my past, and the opportunities I created in this country, have helped me become a better, stronger version of myself. As a teenager, like many others, I thought I knew it all, owned the world. Then came 2016. 

Picture yourself at 16 years old again. 

It was then that 62,984,828 people told me I was not welcome in this country. 

“Build the Wall.”

“Mexico will pay for it.”

“They're bringing crime. They're rapists. And some, I assume, are good people"

“That could be a Mexican plane up there – they’re getting ready to attack,” 

Crucial years of my education, and development overall, were spent wondering how many people around me genuinely believed those statements. Supported them. Voted for them. Suddenly I appreciated assumptions about my name I had despised all my life, the “white version” of my name. “Jokingly” accepting and taking the privilege that came with my appearance. Witnessing directed attacks to groups based on things they didn’t get to choose, simply because a person some deemed an earth-bound version of god, was spitting out his opinion as fact. 

Years of wondering what would happen to me. Years of seeing the border change tremendously. Closing down for months with no specified date as to when things would change (they have not), increasing “security” for something that had been so normal for people in the area I grew up in, thinking if everything I had “given” to this country was all for nothing. 

Scared of how my name and phone number looked on my resumes, on applications. The fact that nothing I did to be here on a status “accepted” by the people and the law mattered.

Then hope came, for a little bit. 

Today, that feeling I had as a 16 year old girl came back again, yet stronger. Because now, it’s not just one part of who I am that is enough for millions to box me in as an automatic crime. It’s two things about myself I am proud of, but I didn’t get to choose. 

71,618,621 votes.

Waking up to realize that millions of people, men and WOMEN, saw a man that’s consistently hurt women throughout his life and not only want, but take action to ensure he becomes a leader. A person who speaks for women, “whether women like it or not.” 

We have lost women left and right for decisions made in previous years, and due to situations out of their control. It’s been made clear “protecting” us was not truly what this was about. And the country just doubled-down. 

Although I, and I assume most if not all of us, are never certain about our futures, the fear that took over my body and mind this morning is one I would wish upon no one. The slap in the face of hoping people would see us. The fact that we all have to get up and face life as if nothing is happening. 

The sadness hasn’t become any other emotion, YET. I’m crying in my room for all of my friends, for my niece, for the unknown. For myself, for the past, present, and future self. With millions of other women. 

Heartbroken for a country I'm sure does not care about me.

My hope has left my body many times, and so I believe like every one of those, it will at some point come back. That sparkle in my eyes I came with, however, I don’t know if I’ll ever find. 

“The United States is a land of opportunity that allows the possibility of upward mobility, freedom, and equality for people of all classes who work hard and have the will to succeed.”

Yeah, totally. 

The “American dream.”